People come to psychotherapy for many reasons with a variety of hopes and expectations as well as anxieties and apprehensions. A precipitating life event, the end of a relationship, a change in career, are just some of the external situations in a person's life that can bring them into therapy. Internally, there may be feelings of confusion, fear, anxiety and depression. There is perhaps one experience that is common to all the problems we associate with the work of therapy. That is the feeling of being stuck.

Feeling stuck, blocked or just not moving in our lives is a universal human
experience. Perhaps it is part of life's journey to experience times when we are stagnant and do not know why or what to do.  Sometimes, it may be a simple matter that is resolved by sleeping on the problem, listening to our favorite music, or taking a long walk in the woods. But this is not what I mean by being stuck. What do we do when we find ourselves up to our necks in quicksand, when we are at a dark point and feel scared, when we trip and fall and it hurts? What do we do when we have exhausted all known resources trying to get ourselves unglued, free of our tormenting thoughts, the fears that keep us awake at night? What then?

To begin, we must be clear about one thing. The issue is not to ask what to do, or how to avoid getting stuck, but what does it mean when we are stuck? When our life is not moving, when we stumble over and over and we see that we are stuck, how do we relate to our stuckness? That is where psychotherapy, as part of a spiritual path, may be of help.

There is a story about an inquisitive guest who, while visiting a monastery, asked one of the monks what did monks do all day?  The response was direct and simple.  "What we do replied the monk, is fall down and get up. Then we fall down again and we get up again." It seems to me that this goes directly to the heart of the matter about being stuck. It is expected, it is normal
and human to fall down and to stumble and to continue struggling over the same issues again and again. In addition, to get up does not imply to not fall again. What is implied in the monk's response is an acceptance of the falling down experience. This acceptance is another name for self-compassion. Without self-compassion the experience of being stuck only worsens as we struggle and blame ourselves with accusatory, judgmental and condemning statements about our condition.

I recall a statement made by one of my supervisors while still in graduate school and training to become a psychotherapist. He said, "A large part of this person's problem stems form the way they go about thinking about their problem." I realized the power of his statement as it applied to my own life and my way of thinking about my problems.

I began to see that there was another level separate from the problem itself. How I thought about, felt about, and most importantly, the meaning I was assigning to my problems was this other level. That was a brilliant insight and, as I shall explore further, the beginning of my becoming unstuck. Being able to see that my thoughts about the situation mattered as much, or perhaps even more than the matter itself, empowered me to consider that change might be possible. In fact, it caused me to realize that my thoughts may be the only thing I could change, if I really wanted to.

The Power of Disidentification

Insight as I have described it above may not be enough to produce change. Psychologists from different schools of thought argue this point. It is said that insight is not what produces change, but is the result of change. Isn't this like the old discussion of the chicken and the egg? Which comes first, insight then change, or change then insight? Or is there a way that they occur simultaneously? Perhaps insight and change are just two side of the same coin? Consider for a moment what it is to have insight.

To have insight into a problem means to be able to see into and see through whatever is obstructing ones' view. We must be able to step back far enough to have a different perspective on a given situation. Another word for this distance is space.  Space, and here I mean inner space, is what is needed in order for insight to happen. This inner space is what is lacking when we are feeling stuck.

The word "stuck" as used in this context is very interesting. We are stuck to the problem in such a way that no space lies in between the problem and us. This is why we cannot see our way through the issue because we are too close to it. We are stuck to it. To become more of an observer of one's self means cultivating the inner space that permits a distance between the
observer and what is being observed. To dis-identify means that I am not the problem. I am separate from the problem or situation.

If this sounds rather circular, in a way it is.  Insight is not possible without some measure of disidenfication, and disidentification resulting in inner space is not possible if there is not distance between observer and what is being observed.When the logic gets pushed to the end point we might ask ourselves why we are not stuck most of the time since the laws of cause and effect begin to break down.  But this is how it should be. The first truth we must come to when we are stuck is that we cannot (with our rational mind) become unstuck. It is a very liberating experience to see this truth. We are helpless in our stuckness and this is essential if we are to experience real change.

Hitting Bottom

To explore these concepts further, I would like to utilize the addiction model and the stages of the recovery process. I have found this model particularly useful and I think it helps provide an understanding of what being stuck is all about. When I was active in my own addiction it was for me an experience of being stuck. Nothing was changing in my life. I was repeating old scenarios that would lead to the same feelings and the same behaviors time and time again. All addictions are about unhealthy attachments.  Being attached to something or someone in an unhealthy way is to be stuck to something or someone. Like the song says, " I am stuck on you."

Let's call this stage in the recovery process "zero." The chief characteristic of stage zero is denial. To be in denial is to be in a state in which insight is impossible. Stage zero is marked by the lack of inner space. There is no distance. There can be no change.  So denial is the absence of insight. Recovery can start when a person begins to come out of their denial. This may happen by the admission that they have a problem and that they are powerless over that problem. In effect, admitting that the problem has them, that they are stuck, that they are not in control, is insight. This often comes about only after many years of painful suffering, both psychological and physical. One finally hits bottom. However it comes about, the result is movement.  A small amount of inner space is created and the process of change in set in motion. Whether it is the first, second or third stages in the recovery process, the dynamic remains the same. Awareness results in seeing that change is possible.

Another way of thinking about this is to look at what happens when I stop struggling, fighting and resisting my feelings of being stuck and accept where I am. I say, "OK I am stuck and being stuck is OK." Admitting I have a problem results in acceptance of myself in the problem. It is rather paradoxical because it goes against my rational, logical way of thinking.When I feel stuck I want to try something, anything to get myself free. I convince myself that there must be something I can do, something more I should do. By hanging on to this way of thinking, I remain stuck.

Perhaps this is the very core of what being stuck means. In my everyday and ordinary life all types of ideas, concepts and images, which I take to be real, govern me. And more to the point, I perceive these images as the real me. I think I am in control, I have the ability to determine my destiny, I should be able to figure this out if I only try harder.

We are playing here with paradox and must exercise caution. As soon as I deny or affirm a statement such as those above, the opposite may also be just as true. The real issue is not to try and figure out the paradox of being stuck, but how to live with it.  By living within the tension of paradox I am moved, at times, to a place beyond the opposing forces struggling within me. Yet, I am never completely beyond paradox, which is another paradox altogether.

So what does feeling stuck in my life have to do with all of this?  Being stuck, feeling that I am at an impasse, may be life's way of helping us move into paradox so that I can learn how to live more comfortably with paradox. Being able to embrace the paradoxes that life presents is the way we experience and participate in the mystery of life. My struggle with being stuck may lead me to give up struggling, find acceptance and experience surrender.  When I can accept where I am, that I am stuck, and when I embrace what that means to me, that I am not the person I thought I was or had to be; in charge and in control, something in me has to let go and die.  Perhaps what has to die is my deeply held belief that if I don't do something, then nothing will happen.  And If I am afraid of nothing happening, afraid of falling into the void, then I will resist and hold on.
But what if nothingness is simply the state upon which everything, including all of creation rests?  Now we are back to paradox and mystery.  It was our stuckness that led us there.

Being stuck is not then something to be rid of or be ashamed of, but welcomed, embraced and celebrated. When we are stuck, it is a sign that life supports us. The universe is leading us into becoming more real. Let us praise being stuck as a reminder that we are human after all.

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