SINGLE BUNNIES GET DEPRESSED
 by Nina Rodrigues, MFT

As any animal shelter worker can tell you, bunnies need grouping. The English  psychoanalyst, John Bowlby (1907-1990), reminds us that the same goes for human beings, but with a different catch! He conceptualized his findings in his famous "theory of attachment."  This paper can help explain to those who find themselves chronically alone, and who are desperately in search of -- but unable to find -- their "perfect match," why dating services per se do not work, and to help them to outline for themselves the necessary ground-work that can facilitate their ultimate goals in life.
     
Several years of experience as a psychotherapist have taught me that social isolation can be a very serious and debilitating condition. It can express itself in several ways, and levels of intensity. I have met with the "outgoing," the "entertainer" who cannot  find or maintain intimacy; I have also seen the "shy" who, although living as a couple, depends only on his/her partner for "socializing," thus creating anxiety and helplessness in relationships. From shyness to social phobia, from being occasionally avoidant to more profound states of unrelateness, people also vary in their sense of comfort and acceptance of their conditions, and in their ways of coping. In general, people feel uneasy, lonely, depressed, and eventually look for help.
     
My work as a psychoanalytic oriented psychotherapist is to provide understanding as well as safety, within a nurturing framework, where "connectness" can develop between patient and therapist. Gradually, and hopefully, as time goes by, the patient carries out to the world the new experience of the therapeutic relationship. All sorts of issues are dealt with, and worked through in psychotherapy. The experience of the socially isolated person usually indicates an unconscious fear of loss, in most cases, due to early losses (or threats of loss) that have never been dealt with, for one reason or another. Unable to consciously face (and thus grieve) the primary loss, to feel angry and sad for that loss, the person tends to unconsciously avoid connecting; however,  feelings of loneliness can drive people to compulsively pursue connecting, but in vain -- because the fear still exists in unconscious ways. It’s like in a "Catch 22" situation. Psychotherapists are very familiar with these types of dilemmas which are played out in relationships with their patients.
     
Unlike traditional psychoanalytic theories, which, for the most part are drawn from the psychodynamics being observed in the analytic encounter described above, John Bowlby’s "theory of attachment" is based on substantial empirical studies, utilizing other disiplines, such as biology, ethnology, and anthropology. Between 1969 and 1980, Bowlby wrote extensively on attachment and loss (1). What he called "attachment" is the actual instinctual drive towards one’s mother (or any other early intimate connections), and later, towards one’s group:  family, friends, society. Bowlby’s “attachment” is not learned or acquired, but “wired” -- or pre-adapted to the human environment. Just like with bunnies. When loss happens, “detachment” takes over, which, according to him, is the ultimate defensive strategy that deactivates  --  or compromises  --  the need for “attachment.” Unlike bunnies, who might become simply depressed, human beings are capable of defending against feelings of loss... by isolating, “forgetting,” blaming, self-destructing, etc. Bowlby maintained that the level of one’s self-confidence (in the availability of attachment figures, ultimately), as well as of one’s anxieties (rooted in the possibility of separation from attachment figures) are indications of the quality of one’s early  attachments. (Mitchell:  pages 136-137). (2).

My conviction is in psychoanalytic work, which, I believe, helps people to  uncover their fears, deal with their “abandonment” issues, feel safer, and live less inhibited lives, but I do recommend additional work outside the therapist’s office. Psychoanalytic treatment can take many years, and I encourage my patients to make an effort to pursue and maintain a certain level of connection to the real world while in treatment with me. As a psychotherapist, I often find myself wearing a different kind of hat while seeing some of my socially withdrawn patients.  Gently, but firmly, I coach my patients in expanding their social network as much as they can, as I notice that people can also benefit from some gradual exposure to their fears, if they are in therapy. I can even recommend that they use a dating service, but never as an end in itself; mainly as an exercise, and in combination with other activities and treatment modalities -- and I’ll explain why.

Many people I know have a fantasy that goes more or less like this: “if and when I find my match, everything else will be all right.” And they go for what they believe is missing. However, as I explained above, things are more complex. If one’s sense of self-confidence has been compromised, in the way John Bowlby claimed, what is missing is probably something else... and this something else might be right inside oneself: hidden, “sleeping,” in pain. I would suggest that this person’s fantasy  represents the wish for what has been lost in the first place  --  “a substitute,” “a cure for the primary wound,” nothing really but just a “wish.” In cases like these, I would recommend the following approaches:

Before any action is taken, listen to your “wish” very carefully. Then, take a deep breath before looking at your fears. The best place to do this kind of work is at your psychotherapist’s office. You might also want to consult with a psychiatrist about the usefulness of medications to alleviate your pain. There are certain types of medications that help with social fear, believe it or not! Whenever you feel ready, take some advantage of your new sense of safety, and start building for yourself a network of social activities, such as:  sports, travel groups, classes, creative arts, church, become a club member, volunteer, attend self-help groups, perform, etc. I recommend, in particular, team work activities, such as rock climbing, camping, etc. The objective is the building up of a network of support, in the long run, and in the process,  build a sense of trust in others. As you find yourself less isolated, you will feel increasingly goal-oriented, active, open. But still, you crave intimacy... and it’s not happening, right? Continue working on your relationship with your therapist. How about checking into a dating service at this point? You might be feeling less vulnerable, less “detached” now (remember Bowlby?). Continue listening to what’s inside.  You might want to call the group you  have been biking with for a Sunday barbecue, or the guys you traveled with to Europe last month for a Saturday evening reunion --  ask them to bring their friends with them. You may be in need of a lot of coaching at this point. Continue the hard work. A little discouraged? Angry? It won’t hurt! But never stop listening to what’s inside... cry for your loss, and be kind to yourself.

Footnotes:

(1)    Bowlby, J. (1969).  Attachment and loss:  Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: BasicBooks.
        Bowlby, J. (1973).   Attachment and loss:  Vol. 2. Separation: Anxiety and anger. New York:  BasicBooks.
        Bowlby, J. (1980).  Attachment and loss: Vol. 3. Sadness and depression. New York:  BasicBooks.

(2)    Stephen A. Mitchell and Margaret J. Black (1995). Freud and Beyond:  A History of Psychoanalytic Thought,  New York:  BasicBooks.


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Changes last made on: Sun 18 Mar 2007 18:57:54